Based in Brooklyn, I’m a writer, public speaker, and activist working to end ageism: prejudice and stigma around aging past youth. I’m also a feminist, a mother, a gardener, and a traveler…
I’ll keep writing and speaking about ageism because not enough people are doing it—yet. I’ll also be exploring a broader range of subjects on a Substack I launched this summer called Things I Used to Say.
Tell us a little about yourself!
I know I’m in trouble when people ask for a résumé because I’ve never had a plan. I couldn’t decide what to major in in college or what to be when I grew up—and I’m still figuring it out. I love to read but never set out to be a writer. I’m an introvert and never imagined becoming a public figure. I never imagined I’d hit my stride in my sixties. All these things happened anyway.
It turns out that I mix things up every 20 years or so, and now is one of those times. I’ll keep writing and speaking about ageism because not enough people are doing it—yet. I’ll also be exploring a broader range of subjects on a Substack I launched this summer called Things I Used to Say.
I love to read but never set out to be a writer. I’m an introvert and never imagined becoming a public figure. I never imagined I’d hit my stride in my sixties. All these things happened anyway.
When did you first start writing? Was it with the intent to pursue as a career or as a hobby?
I became a writer because of a chance comment from my divorce lawyer. He told me that more and more of his clients were people like me, meaning women who realized they didn’t have to stick it out in unhappy marriages. I was 40, with two little kids, and I was terrified. But I went home, got on the baby internet, and learned in two seconds that two-thirds of divorces were initiated by women. Why didn’t I know that? Why was our notion of women’s lives after divorce (visualize a depressed dame on a barstool) so different from the happy and energized reality?
Two years later, in 1997, Cutting Loose: Why Women Who End Their Marriages Do So Well was published by HarperCollins. Ms. magazine called it “rocket fuel for launching new lives,” and it’s still in print, which is very gratifying.
Twenty years later, a similar question gave rise to my second serious book. Why is our view of late life so unrelievedly grim when the lived reality is so different? I dug into who was behind the false narratives: that younger is better, that old = ugly, that to age is to fail. I began to understand who profits from our fears and who benefits from pitting young against old. I got angry and began blogging and posting about it.
I was hoping I’d never have to write another book, but This Chair Rocks: A Manifesto Against Ageism came out in 2016. According to the United Nations, that’s when “things began to change. The book [served as] a catalyst to raise the consciousness of people around the world on what ageism is and what we can do to dismantle it.” I’ll take it!
LUMI DRESS - Coming Soon
LUMI DRESS - Coming Soon
What first sparked your interest in ageism and age activism?
In my mid-fifties, around 20 years ago, I looked in the mirror and realized, “Oh ... it’s happening to me.” I was pretty apprehensive about the prospect of growing older, and I wanted to understand why. Being nerdy, I started learning about longevity and interviewing people over 80. As I explored the research, however, I realized that the biggest obstacle to a good late life is cultural, not biological: not aging, but ageism—coupled with sexism, ableism, racism and all the rest. Solve for ageism, and we also address sexism (aging is gendered), ableism (disability is stigmatized), and racism (which denies multitudes the chance to age at all).
What’s one thing you wish more people understood about ageism?
Ageism isn’t an old-person problem. It’s an everyone problem. Age bias cuts both ways: younger people experience a lot of it, and it damages and divides us from childhood on. Aging isn’t an old-person thing either, because we’re aging from the day we’re born. It’s the one universal human experience. We’re just at different stages of the journey.
What are some of the ways ageism shows up in everyday life, and how can our community become better at avoiding it?
That’s such a huge question that it deserves a whole book. Oh, wait—I wrote it! (It’s fun to read, I swear, and I guarantee it’ll make you feel better about the years ahead. Contact me if you can’t afford to buy it.)
How can we avoid being ageist? Most bias is unconscious, and we can’t confront something we’re not aware of. So the first, hardest, and most necessary step is to examine our own attitudes towards age and aging. Some starting places:
All these behaviors are ageist. We all do them because we’ve been barraged by generational stereotypes and negative messages about aging from childhood on. Unless we stop to challenge them, they become part of our identity. That’s self-directed ageism. And we can’t challenge bias unless we’re aware of it.
LUMI DRESS - Coming Soon
Fashion has historically had a complicated relationship with aging. Where do you think the industry is making progress, and where does it still have work to do?
We’re seeing more older models, which is wonderful. But almost all of them are pencil-thin, and far too many are white. As we age, we grow more different from each other. (That’s science, not an opinion.) The fashion industry needs to reflect that diversity: more of us in our 70s and 80s (see Advanced Style for inspiration), more of us using mobility aids, more body types, “more radically different ideas of what aging can look like.” That last point came from MaryJane Fahey, creator of Glorious Broads, who had more to say: “Put older women in the creative room. Not just in front of the camera. Designers, stylists, editors, photographers, buyers, creative directors. If the people making the decisions are all 28, they’re going to have a pretty limited idea of what 68 looks like.”
What does education mean to you, and how has it influenced your work?
Knowledge is power, and education is a human right. I love learning new things and questioning what I think I know. That said, I don’t like school. It was only during the process of writing my book about women and divorce that I truly became a feminist, and I knew almost nothing about how we age before I started researching aging and ageism. So I’m largely self-taught and, TBH, proud of the fact that I’ve gotten where I’ve gotten without any scholarly accreditations or professional affiliations.
LUMI DRESS - Coming Soon
What role does style play in the work you do?
Don’t shoot me, but not much. I’m mostly visible to the world through my writing or from the neck up in virtual settings. I admire people who look sharp all the time, but it eludes me. My everyday default is what it’s always been: a T-shirt and jeans.
That said, I do have style and dress carefully for professional appearances and social occasions. I’ve been wearing barrel-leg pants forever and am a sucker for anything asymmetrical. One of the benefits of growing older is feeling more confident in my clothing choices and less concerned with what others might think. One of the downsides is the shoes—arrgh.
I owe a lot to my mother, who was a bold and sophisticated dresser—Pucci prints, edgy eyeglass frames, and red shoes (which she said go with everything). I often wear interesting necklaces that belonged to her. Thanks, Ma!
What is your favorite piece from your Marcella Capsule?
I love the Erica Vest. It’s a great length and versatile, with big pockets—perfect for in-between seasons when you can’t decide what to grab as you head out.
